Will the new rules mean more people follow the fate of this trophy?

Following disastrous ticket sales and dwindling television audiences for the 2014 World Cup, FIFA has announced a raft of rule changes designed to maximise public interest in the upcoming 2018 tournament.

“We know some of these suggestions may seem a little radical,” said a FIFA spokesperson “But really we have no choice. TV audiences just aren’t there, and without them the money will drain out of the game. However, we can assure fans that we have remained faithful to the essence of what makes football great.”

The rule changes include:

• Penalty shoot-outs to be replaced by players’ singing contest judged by Sir Simon Cowell

• Extra balls thrown on after every ten minutes without a goal

• Players to have Formula One-style telemetry cameras embedded in their foreheads

• Centre circle to incorporate 10 metre trampoline

• Goalkeepers to be armed with tranquiliser guns

• Wolves to be released onto pitch during extra time

The Truth Today interviewed a viewer panel to ask them if they would be more likely watch the World Cup after the rule changes. “Sure!” said one enthusiastic respondent “As long as it has dancing squirrels, like YouTube does.”

Photo by Dddeco under CC By-SA-3.0

There seems to be a fault with the Nike R-Bees, Nike’s rocket boot range. With micro rocket engines, and the fuel cells required to drive them, it has proved impossible to synchronise a pair of R-Bees.

This has led to leg injuries and even a few fatalities. Brokenose Johnson was one of the earliest victims. While attempting to kick a field goal, Johnson broke his nose and right cheekbone when his pair of R-Bees misfired. Johnson was considered very fortunate, as the R-Bees have been known to explode on impact. The State of Hawaii Institute for Trauma (S.H.I.T.) has an entire ward dedicated to those injured in the pursuit of sporting excellence.

One such player, who declined to give his name, is waiting on a new rat grown foot, American size 15, after his foot was disintegrated. The incident occurred during an on field argument about an alleged foul, when he literally put down his foot to drive home a point. His main disappointment is that the current colour selection in replacement limbs is limited to white.

Nike CEO Barry Astard commented today, “We at Nike are working closely with the RFL, and will endeavour to make sure that no more fatalities occur”. Continued Mr Astard, “I would also like to send my deepest sympathies to the family of Splits McFee, Nike will cover all costs with regards to the double coffin burial of Mr McFee”.

TRUTH

This change can be attributed to the Americans’ gold medal victory at the 2016 Chicago Olympics over Brazil, a close match with the United States winning 6-5. The nationalistic pride brought on by such an event spurred a nationwide rise in the popularity of soccer.

United States Soccer Federation President Sunil Gulati was quoted as saying, “This is a quantum leap for American soccer; we are finally gaining the respect we deserve. Baseball has nothing on our sport!”

Even though America took both Bronze and Silver at the 1904 St. Louis Olympics, there are many who consider those second-rate medals and completely unimportant as well as insulting to all parties involved; this later event, conversely, is considered by many as the Magnum Opus of American Soccer that will start a new age.

The United States will scrimmage against the German National Football Team, or Die Deutsche Fußballnationalmannschaft, on January 1, 2019 as a New Year’s celebration.

TRUTH