A page from the latest Fine Leather Jackets clothing catalogue

The American multinational IJ Markets, best known as the world’s leading manufacturer of high quality men’s leatherwear, has posted its third successive quarterly loss. Its chief executive Henry Jones Jr. has offered his resignation amidst talk of possible bankruptcy.

A former professor of archaeology, Dr Jones had led the company since its foundation after the Second World War and helped establish the global market for well-crafted manly cowskin garments. In a statement made through his lawyer Jones said:

“It’s been a hell of a journey through the jungle of big business. I thought I’d seen some pretty scary things in my time, but nothing prepared me for the full horror of a double-dip recession. It’s a shame I have to leave, but I’m pretty sure my dad would have been proud of what we’ve achieved. I think we kinda lost our way towards the end though, some of the stuff we were making was pretty weird. I mean, who really needs a lead-lined refrigerator?”

IJ Markets’ European subsidiary, based in Grünwald, Germany, will continue production with a view to a possible takeover by the British drinks and travel conglomerate Universal Exports Ltd.

As well as its famous jacket-making division, the group’s other going concerns include:

• Trilby and fedora distribution in North America

• A bullwhip factory, one of the last of its kind in the world

• A chain of vintage motorcycle maintenance workshops

IJ Markets’ new acting CEO, Mr Faisel el-Kahir, is expected to formally take over next week after an Extraordinary General Meeting of shareholders.

Photo by tinyfroglet under CC-By-2.0

For years, the two economic blocks have fought a cold war style battle for world economic domination. Incidents such as the infamous “Green Land Incident” and the “Red Santa Incident” were all but everyday during the old days. The Green Land incident was when GTFO started provoking STFU by airdropping trillions of green international trade bills in several STFU members countries, covering vast areas of land. While the trade bills would have been a fortune in GTFO member countries, the residents of the areas in question were outraged because the paper used in the trade bills resembled their toilet paper. I can still remember them shouting things like “We want white toilet paper, not green!”. STFU of course retaliated with their own specialty – tangible goods. They airlifted those goods and dropped them in GTFO member countries, causing riots when people started fighting over the free commodities. Children fighting over cheap dolls and toys, men fighting over forged golf sticks, and women fighting over counterfeit fashion products. The chaos led to the tragedy now known as the Red Santa Incident.

But the past is the past, and we must go on. Just today, STFU chairman and GTFO director had an historical meeting. This marks the first time that both economic blocks agreed to meet each other’s representatives, albeit online. “We agreed to meet in an adult chatroom because this matter must be settled in a grown-up manner”, said a GTFO official.

However amidst the cheering and applause from many, a few radical groups staged demonstrations. They demanded segregation between STFU and GTFO. They believe that when STFU meets GTFO, it will spell disaster for the whole world. One of the demonstration participants remarked, “When STFU and GTFO meet, things turn ugly.” What will the future hold for us?

NEUTERS