A page from the latest Fine Leather Jackets clothing catalogue

The American multinational IJ Markets, best known as the world’s leading manufacturer of high quality men’s leatherwear, has posted its third successive quarterly loss. Its chief executive Henry Jones Jr. has offered his resignation amidst talk of possible bankruptcy.

A former professor of archaeology, Dr Jones had led the company since its foundation after the Second World War and helped establish the global market for well-crafted manly cowskin garments. In a statement made through his lawyer Jones said:

“It’s been a hell of a journey through the jungle of big business. I thought I’d seen some pretty scary things in my time, but nothing prepared me for the full horror of a double-dip recession. It’s a shame I have to leave, but I’m pretty sure my dad would have been proud of what we’ve achieved. I think we kinda lost our way towards the end though, some of the stuff we were making was pretty weird. I mean, who really needs a lead-lined refrigerator?”

IJ Markets’ European subsidiary, based in Grünwald, Germany, will continue production with a view to a possible takeover by the British drinks and travel conglomerate Universal Exports Ltd.

As well as its famous jacket-making division, the group’s other going concerns include:

• Trilby and fedora distribution in North America

• A bullwhip factory, one of the last of its kind in the world

• A chain of vintage motorcycle maintenance workshops

IJ Markets’ new acting CEO, Mr Faisel el-Kahir, is expected to formally take over next week after an Extraordinary General Meeting of shareholders.

Photo by tinyfroglet under CC-By-2.0

Will the new rules mean more people follow the fate of this trophy?

Following disastrous ticket sales and dwindling television audiences for the 2014 World Cup, FIFA has announced a raft of rule changes designed to maximise public interest in the upcoming 2018 tournament.

“We know some of these suggestions may seem a little radical,” said a FIFA spokesperson “But really we have no choice. TV audiences just aren’t there, and without them the money will drain out of the game. However, we can assure fans that we have remained faithful to the essence of what makes football great.”

The rule changes include:

• Penalty shoot-outs to be replaced by players’ singing contest judged by Sir Simon Cowell

• Extra balls thrown on after every ten minutes without a goal

• Players to have Formula One-style telemetry cameras embedded in their foreheads

• Centre circle to incorporate 10 metre trampoline

• Goalkeepers to be armed with tranquiliser guns

• Wolves to be released onto pitch during extra time

The Truth Today interviewed a viewer panel to ask them if they would be more likely watch the World Cup after the rule changes. “Sure!” said one enthusiastic respondent “As long as it has dancing squirrels, like YouTube does.”

Photo by Dddeco under CC By-SA-3.0

CEO Claus flies in to an AGM at Father Christmas PLC's corporate headquarters in Rovaniemi

In its biggest shakeup for centuries, the North Pole toy factory has announced that from December 2019 it will be outsourcing its customer fulfilment services entirely to a select group of multinationals.

The ten year sponsorship deal, brokered by London management consultancy firm TWTS, will mean that 100% of all Christmas gifts delivered by sleigh will be manufactured by sports shoe maker Nike, electronics giant Sony and toy-maker Hasbro.

“We have in the past tried to deliver what children asked for, providing they’ve been good of course.” chuckled CEO S. Claus in his Arctic office “But it is a different world now, we have to wake up and smell the coffee. The main aim of the deal is to leverage our core competencies of brand awareness and access to markets, while keeping overheads on things like manufacturing and packaging to a minimum.”

“If a child asks for a non-Hasbro toy for example, we’ll respond immediately with a note explaining the situation and asking them to choose again.” he said, “And we’ll include a Hasbro product catalogue to help them of course.”

An alliance of rival multinationals and independent manufacturers has put pressure on Father Christmas PLC to reconsider the exclusivity deal, and an official complaint has been registered with the World Trade Organisation.

“That WTO stuff is just hopeless, they’re living in a dreamworld.” said Claus “They really need to put up and shut up. We’re very grateful to TWTS for helping us get this deal through, they really understand the true meaning of Christmas.”

Photo by Glogger used under Creative Commons By-SA-3.0

“We’re very excited to be launching this exciting new product” said a spokesperson, “In the past we’ve had to deal with ambient scent issues after the unfortunate event has already happened. But with Personal Plug-Ins(TM) we can tackle the problem at its source.”

Worn inside the rear portion of a person’s underwear, the PPI(TM) passes the user’s flatus through a special anti-odour filter, and simultaneously releases one of five pleasant artificial scents including Misty Pine, Secluded Valley, Tropical Beach, Arctic Ice and Spicy Pineapple.

“This is great!” exclaimed a satisfied customer, “Since I got my first batch of PPIs I’ve been farting as much as possible. The wife loves it, and of course it’s very popular at parties too.”

“We intend to expand our PPI product line in the very near future.” said a Glade spokesperson, “In fact, we can reveal that we are in talks with leading scent brands such as Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger to create a designer range of PPIs. We want to turn the act of flatulence into a fashion statement.”

“It used to be so wonderful in the old days,” reminisces an anonymous sales rep “As soon as there was a new processor, or an updated operating system, or even just some trendy new casings, people would rush out and start banging on our doors to upgrade.”

“They even complained when we released updates, because they felt so compelled to stay on the cutting edge. They were really addicted!” laughs another computing retail veteran who wishes to remain nameless. “It was just a licence to print money… Ah, happy days.”

In 2016 however, the pace of upgrades began to decline steeply.

“The upgrades slowed for a number of complex factors.” explains computer industry analyst Z.X. Commodore, “But the main reason was that people realised they didn’t actually need 40 ghz 10-core processors to write letters and play Farmville.”

The one exception to the trend is Apple, who reported higher quarter-on-quarter profits last month. “Basically our fans are so devoted that we can slap any price we want on the hardware.” explained an Apple spokesperson. “As long as it’s got a designer casing with a picture of some fruit on it, they’ll pay anything.” As she finished the last of her complimentary beverages she added “You’re not recording this are you? I thought you were my best mate.”

Crop circle in Bedersdorf, Germany

The recent thousandfold rise in mysterious circles in corn fields has become the number one cause of farming losses in Europe, an EU report revealed today. The immediate cost of compensating farmers totals €18 billion, with more likely to be incurred through indirect costs later.

“We’re totally baffled!” exclaimed Agriculture Commissioner Cyder Dranker “They’ve started appearing all over the place lately, it’s as if the UFOs are using us as a landing field.”

Adding to the mystery, the most recent shapes are often non-circular, more closely resembling swastikas. Their frequency also seemed to increase sharply during a recent lunar eclipse.

“We have to admit it just makes no sense.” Dranker says, “What could explain all these things? Nazi flying saucers from the moon perhaps?”

Photo by Roger Zenner,  Creative Commons By-SA-2.0-Germany

Episode Zero explores the early history of the Jedi order and its conflict with the Sith

George Lucas, once again pushing new boundaries in franchise-exploitation, has surprised the movie world by releasing Star Wars: Episode Zero.

Produced entirely with CGI, and featuring computer-generated voices instead of the usual human actors, the film was rendered in secret based on a script penned by Lucas.

“We felt there were too many loose ends.” explains Lucas, “The time just felt right to go back and fill in those gaps. And by going 100% CG including computer-generated dialogue, I am able to express myself fully as an artist. The next step, of course, will be a computer-generated script.”

Episode Zero tells the story of Shmi Skywalker’s secret life as a Jedi Knight in her younger days. The film begins with Shmi fighting a sith lord named Darth Jurrai, falling in love with him and having a child named Palpatine, only to see Jurrai tragically slaughtered by Jedi master Tum-Wo Kenobi, whom Shmi falls in love with and has a child named Obi-Wan, only to lose her memory and find herself tragically enslaved on Tatooine where she gives birth to Anakin.

“Sure, some people will say that sounds like a bad soap opera, but I’m not going to listen to them.” Lucas growls as he ends our interview.

Alongside Episode Zero, even newer versions of the original trilogy of films have been released. In order to tie it in more closely to Zero, The Empire Strikes Back now features the following scene:

Darth Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke Skywalker: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No. I am your father.
The Emperor: And I am your uncle.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: So am I.
Jar Jar Binks: And I’m your great aunt, sweety-lucky!
(Luke screams and falls)

Photo by Tracy & FR, used under Creative Commons By-SA-2.0 Generic

The new DRM monitoring unit is placed deep within the Corpus Callosum

In an effort to counter the rising tide of digital piracy, the recording and film industries have introduced a new Digital Rights Management system called Neurally Unified Tomographic Severely Agonising Cerebral Scan (NUTSACS). Thanks to a pan-industry agreement, the system is due to become mandatory on most legal download services from 2019 onwards.

“Really there’s just no way to stop piracy on the files themselves.” explained an industry spokesperson, “Whenever we’ve introduced a new form of copy protection it’s been cracked within weeks or months. The only way we have left to protect the content is to go directly to the user’s brain. We have to monitor what they perceive they’re listening to, and then check whether we’ve authorised them to listen to it.”

NUTSACS will require the user to undergo minor brain surgery as the system’s interface plug is inserted into their cerebral cortex. Costs of surgery will be covered by the tax payer, as a part of government support for the content industry.

Responding to accusations that the NUTSACS system caused irreparable brain damage, the spokesperson said “Look, we’re talking about 5% capacity loss at most. It might take a little longer to do things like unlocking your front door or remembering your child’s name, but you’ll get there eventually.”

“And yes, some people may say we’re driving honest users to piracy.” she continued, “But we would remind them that piracy is illegal with severe penalties including possible imprisonment for infringement of copyright. If it’s a choice between brain damage or committing a crime, we are confident that our users will know what their priorities are.”

The remarkable photo

The latest joint space mission by NASA and ESA has produced spectacularly unclear photographs of an obscure object somewhere in space. Speaking at a press event in Tahiti, the director of the Rorschach Project said “These are the most amazing indistinct images ever seen by human eyes. Their significance for all of mankind cannot be understated. This is going to have a very measurable effect on our everyday lives.”

“We are aware of the global economic situation, but these kinds of important missions do cost money.” said the project director at the beachside press conference. “€3.26 billion is a very small sum in the grand scheme of things. That amount of cash would only buy you maybe 500 hospitals at most.”

The use of perfumes and smells in screenings goes back to the 1950s, and has regularly been reattempted since then. For example, acclaimed director John Waters’ 1982 arthouse classic “Polyester” used scratch-and-sniff cards, as did its 2003 spiritual heir “Rugrats Go Wild”.

“We know this has been done before, but we feel the time is right to try again.” explained a spokesperson for the motion picture industry. “Audiences need some pointless novelty to distract them from our soulless by-the-numbers scripts, and CGI lensflare effects are just no longer up to the job.”