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Recession hits sales of fine leather jackets, CEO Henry Jones Jr. resigns

June 15, 2018
By Kris
Recession hits sales of fine leather jackets, CEO Henry Jones Jr. resigns

The American multinational IJ Markets, best known as the world’s leading manufacturer of high quality men’s leatherwear, has posted its third successive quarterly loss. Its chief executive Henry Jones Jr. has offered his resignation amidst talk of possible bankruptcy. A former professor of archaeology, Dr Jones had led the company since its foundation after...
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Father Christmas signs €3.7 billion sponsorship deal – Santa to only deliver presents made by Nike, Sony and Hasbro from 2019 onwards

May 27, 2018
By Kris
Father Christmas signs €3.7 billion sponsorship deal – Santa to only deliver presents made by Nike, Sony and Hasbro from 2019 onwards

In its biggest shakeup for centuries, the North Pole toy factory has announced that from December 2019 it will be outsourcing its customer fulfilment services entirely to a select group of multinationals. The ten year sponsorship deal, brokered by London management consultancy firm TWTS, will mean that 100% of all Christmas gifts delivered by...
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Glade introduce Personal Plug-Ins

May 27, 2018
By Kris

Glade, the world’s leading manufacturer of air fresheners, today announced a major new range of products: Personal Plug-Ins(TM). “We’re very excited to be launching this exciting new product” said a spokesperson, “In the past we’ve had to deal with ambient scent issues after the unfortunate event has already happened. But with Personal Plug-Ins(TM) we...
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Crisis for computing industry as users no longer buying pointless upgrades

May 27, 2018
By Kris

The PC manufacturing sector has entered its tenth consecutive quarter of decline as users are realising they don’t actually need a new computer. “It used to be so wonderful in the old days,” reminisces an anonymous sales rep “As soon as there was a new processor, or an updated operating system, or even just...
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Crop circles now main cause of crop failure in European Union

May 27, 2018
By Kris
Crop circles now main cause of crop failure in European Union

The recent thousandfold rise in mysterious circles in corn fields has become the number one cause of farming losses in Europe, an EU report revealed today. The immediate cost of compensating farmers totals €18 billion, with more likely to be incurred through indirect costs later. “We’re totally baffled!” exclaimed Agriculture Commissioner Cyder Dranker “They’ve...
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Star Wars Episode Zero & Prequel Very Special Editions released simultaneously, Lucasfilm shares rise

May 27, 2018
By Kris
Star Wars Episode Zero & Prequel Very Special Editions released simultaneously, Lucasfilm shares rise

George Lucas, once again pushing new boundaries in franchise-exploitation, has surprised the movie world by releasing Star Wars: Episode Zero. Produced entirely with CGI, and featuring computer-generated voices instead of the usual human actors, the film was rendered in secret based on a script penned by Lucas. “We felt there were too many loose...
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New DRM system based on brain implants

May 27, 2018
By Kris
New DRM system based on brain implants

In an effort to counter the rising tide of digital piracy, the recording and film industries have introduced a new Digital Rights Management system called Neurally Unified Tomographic Severely Agonising Cerebral Scan (NUTSACS). Thanks to a pan-industry agreement, the system is due to become mandatory on most legal download services from 2019 onwards. “Really...
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New space probe sends back best fuzzy pictures so far

March 29, 2018
By Kris
New space probe sends back best fuzzy pictures so far

The latest joint space mission by NASA and ESA has produced spectacularly unclear photographs of an obscure object somewhere in space. Speaking at a press event in Tahiti, the director of the Rorschach Project said “These are the most amazing indistinct images ever seen by human eyes. Their significance for all of mankind cannot...
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Sale of alcohol banned in bars and pubs

March 29, 2018
By Kris

In a joint statement by the health ministers of the EU member states, sales of alcoholic beverages in bars, restaurants and pubs are to be outlawed from next year (2019) onwards. “We’ve seen how successful the smoking ban was in the 2000s, and now we want to continue that good work.” explained the EU...
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UFO sighting in Obersalzberg

March 29, 2018
By Kris
UFO sighting in Obersalzberg

Close-up cropped version of the Obersalzberg saucer photo The image that can be viewed above, sent to us by a reader, was taken in the vicinity of the village of Berchtesgaden in Bavaria, Germany. The area is best known as the location of Adolf Hitler’s beloved mountain residence, the Berghof, and for the bus...
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