A page from the latest Fine Leather Jackets clothing catalogue

The American multinational IJ Markets, best known as the world’s leading manufacturer of high quality men’s leatherwear, has posted its third successive quarterly loss. Its chief executive Henry Jones Jr. has offered his resignation amidst talk of possible bankruptcy.

A former professor of archaeology, Dr Jones had led the company since its foundation after the Second World War and helped establish the global market for well-crafted manly cowskin garments. In a statement made through his lawyer Jones said:

“It’s been a hell of a journey through the jungle of big business. I thought I’d seen some pretty scary things in my time, but nothing prepared me for the full horror of a double-dip recession. It’s a shame I have to leave, but I’m pretty sure my dad would have been proud of what we’ve achieved. I think we kinda lost our way towards the end though, some of the stuff we were making was pretty weird. I mean, who really needs a lead-lined refrigerator?”

IJ Markets’ European subsidiary, based in Grünwald, Germany, will continue production with a view to a possible takeover by the British drinks and travel conglomerate Universal Exports Ltd.

As well as its famous jacket-making division, the group’s other going concerns include:

• Trilby and fedora distribution in North America

• A bullwhip factory, one of the last of its kind in the world

• A chain of vintage motorcycle maintenance workshops

IJ Markets’ new acting CEO, Mr Faisel el-Kahir, is expected to formally take over next week after an Extraordinary General Meeting of shareholders.

Photo by tinyfroglet under CC-By-2.0

CEO Claus flies in to an AGM at Father Christmas PLC's corporate headquarters in Rovaniemi

In its biggest shakeup for centuries, the North Pole toy factory has announced that from December 2019 it will be outsourcing its customer fulfilment services entirely to a select group of multinationals.

The ten year sponsorship deal, brokered by London management consultancy firm TWTS, will mean that 100% of all Christmas gifts delivered by sleigh will be manufactured by sports shoe maker Nike, electronics giant Sony and toy-maker Hasbro.

“We have in the past tried to deliver what children asked for, providing they’ve been good of course.” chuckled CEO S. Claus in his Arctic office “But it is a different world now, we have to wake up and smell the coffee. The main aim of the deal is to leverage our core competencies of brand awareness and access to markets, while keeping overheads on things like manufacturing and packaging to a minimum.”

“If a child asks for a non-Hasbro toy for example, we’ll respond immediately with a note explaining the situation and asking them to choose again.” he said, “And we’ll include a Hasbro product catalogue to help them of course.”

An alliance of rival multinationals and independent manufacturers has put pressure on Father Christmas PLC to reconsider the exclusivity deal, and an official complaint has been registered with the World Trade Organisation.

“That WTO stuff is just hopeless, they’re living in a dreamworld.” said Claus “They really need to put up and shut up. We’re very grateful to TWTS for helping us get this deal through, they really understand the true meaning of Christmas.”

Photo by Glogger used under Creative Commons By-SA-3.0

Episode Zero explores the early history of the Jedi order and its conflict with the Sith

George Lucas, once again pushing new boundaries in franchise-exploitation, has surprised the movie world by releasing Star Wars: Episode Zero.

Produced entirely with CGI, and featuring computer-generated voices instead of the usual human actors, the film was rendered in secret based on a script penned by Lucas.

“We felt there were too many loose ends.” explains Lucas, “The time just felt right to go back and fill in those gaps. And by going 100% CG including computer-generated dialogue, I am able to express myself fully as an artist. The next step, of course, will be a computer-generated script.”

Episode Zero tells the story of Shmi Skywalker’s secret life as a Jedi Knight in her younger days. The film begins with Shmi fighting a sith lord named Darth Jurrai, falling in love with him and having a child named Palpatine, only to see Jurrai tragically slaughtered by Jedi master Tum-Wo Kenobi, whom Shmi falls in love with and has a child named Obi-Wan, only to lose her memory and find herself tragically enslaved on Tatooine where she gives birth to Anakin.

“Sure, some people will say that sounds like a bad soap opera, but I’m not going to listen to them.” Lucas growls as he ends our interview.

Alongside Episode Zero, even newer versions of the original trilogy of films have been released. In order to tie it in more closely to Zero, The Empire Strikes Back now features the following scene:

Darth Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke Skywalker: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No. I am your father.
The Emperor: And I am your uncle.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: So am I.
Jar Jar Binks: And I’m your great aunt, sweety-lucky!
(Luke screams and falls)

Photo by Tracy & FR, used under Creative Commons By-SA-2.0 Generic

Bill Gates would have 54916 votes under the new system

The 2020 US Presidential Elections will see a radical new electoral system introduced, where people will receive multiple votes based upon their personal income. Although the details have not been officially unveiled, it is understood that those with average earnings will receive 10 votes, with additional votes available for higher earners and fewer for those on lower incomes. The unemployed will not be eligible to participate in federal elections.

“To put it bluntly, that one-man one-vote stuff was always baloney.” said a spokesperson for the Senate Electoral Reform Committee, “This is not a socialist country, we are a meritocracy where people are rewarded for their hard work. If someone earns more, that demonstrates a greater understanding of how to succeed. We need that kind of understanding to be shaping our system of government.”

(Image: World Econonic Forum/Severin Nowacki, CC-BY-SA-2.0)

Abdul Zimmerman, chief theorist of the Ayn Rand Thinktank Institution, gave a press conference today to announce the result of a 15 year study.

“After consultation with market analysts from the world’s leading financial institutions, and a continuous fifteen-year simulation cycle on a global network of supercomputers, we here at the ARTI have narrowed down the central factor behind the continuing economic turmoil.” Zimmerman explained.

“Essentially, we blame the price of tea in China.”

Surviving Beatle Ringo Starr did not comment, as he had absolutely nothing to do with this story.

RC

For years, the two economic blocks have fought a cold war style battle for world economic domination. Incidents such as the infamous “Green Land Incident” and the “Red Santa Incident” were all but everyday during the old days. The Green Land incident was when GTFO started provoking STFU by airdropping trillions of green international trade bills in several STFU members countries, covering vast areas of land. While the trade bills would have been a fortune in GTFO member countries, the residents of the areas in question were outraged because the paper used in the trade bills resembled their toilet paper. I can still remember them shouting things like “We want white toilet paper, not green!”. STFU of course retaliated with their own specialty – tangible goods. They airlifted those goods and dropped them in GTFO member countries, causing riots when people started fighting over the free commodities. Children fighting over cheap dolls and toys, men fighting over forged golf sticks, and women fighting over counterfeit fashion products. The chaos led to the tragedy now known as the Red Santa Incident.

But the past is the past, and we must go on. Just today, STFU chairman and GTFO director had an historical meeting. This marks the first time that both economic blocks agreed to meet each other’s representatives, albeit online. “We agreed to meet in an adult chatroom because this matter must be settled in a grown-up manner”, said a GTFO official.

However amidst the cheering and applause from many, a few radical groups staged demonstrations. They demanded segregation between STFU and GTFO. They believe that when STFU meets GTFO, it will spell disaster for the whole world. One of the demonstration participants remarked, “When STFU and GTFO meet, things turn ugly.” What will the future hold for us?

NEUTERS