Episode Zero explores the early history of the Jedi order and its conflict with the Sith

George Lucas, once again pushing new boundaries in franchise-exploitation, has surprised the movie world by releasing Star Wars: Episode Zero.

Produced entirely with CGI, and featuring computer-generated voices instead of the usual human actors, the film was rendered in secret based on a script penned by Lucas.

“We felt there were too many loose ends.” explains Lucas, “The time just felt right to go back and fill in those gaps. And by going 100% CG including computer-generated dialogue, I am able to express myself fully as an artist. The next step, of course, will be a computer-generated script.”

Episode Zero tells the story of Shmi Skywalker’s secret life as a Jedi Knight in her younger days. The film begins with Shmi fighting a sith lord named Darth Jurrai, falling in love with him and having a child named Palpatine, only to see Jurrai tragically slaughtered by Jedi master Tum-Wo Kenobi, whom Shmi falls in love with and has a child named Obi-Wan, only to lose her memory and find herself tragically enslaved on Tatooine where she gives birth to Anakin.

“Sure, some people will say that sounds like a bad soap opera, but I’m not going to listen to them.” Lucas growls as he ends our interview.

Alongside Episode Zero, even newer versions of the original trilogy of films have been released. In order to tie it in more closely to Zero, The Empire Strikes Back now features the following scene:

Darth Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke Skywalker: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No. I am your father.
The Emperor: And I am your uncle.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: So am I.
Jar Jar Binks: And I’m your great aunt, sweety-lucky!
(Luke screams and falls)

Photo by Tracy & FR, used under Creative Commons By-SA-2.0 Generic

The use of perfumes and smells in screenings goes back to the 1950s, and has regularly been reattempted since then. For example, acclaimed director John Waters’ 1982 arthouse classic “Polyester” used scratch-and-sniff cards, as did its 2003 spiritual heir “Rugrats Go Wild”.

“We know this has been done before, but we feel the time is right to try again.” explained a spokesperson for the motion picture industry. “Audiences need some pointless novelty to distract them from our soulless by-the-numbers scripts, and CGI lensflare effects are just no longer up to the job.”

Which photo is the original, and which was edited?

The makers of the science-fiction comedy “Iron Sky” have remained tight-lipped over speculation about their production methods.

A recently leaked out-take from the lunar base set of the film shows a cameraman tripping over a cable in a manner apparently inconsistent with terrestrial conditions.

“He trips and it sends him flying,” explained forensics expert Professor Anne Orac,”but the distance he flies is approximately six times further than one would expect on Earth. That means either he’s six times stronger than a typical human, or the gravity in the room was six times weaker.”

The video, posted to whistle-blowers’ site Hikileaks, was never intended for public viewing, and its absence from the Iron Sky Blu-Ray release has raised questions about a cover-up.

Renowned sceptic author Pilchard Hawkins stated “There’s no room for doubt here any more. The only known place with one-sixth Earth gravity is above our heads. These people have clearly built a film set of the Moon, then built a studio around the set, then transported it all to the surface of the real Moon. That’s the only logical explanation, Occam’s Razor eliminates any other possibilities.”

Energia Productions were unavailable for comment due to communication problems during the recent eclipse.

Renowned arthouse director Quentin Tarantino has purchased the rights to the newly-acknowledged 1987 classic “Surf Nazis Must Die”. In a statement posted to his website, he said he wanted to make it “hotter, bloodier and Nazier”.

The film was produced by Troma, a once widely-ridiculed studio which has since been rehabilitated in the eyes of most critics. “We used to rent Troma films just to laugh at them,” said Film 2018′s Mary Boreman, “but with the gift of hindsight we can see just how much they’ve changed the face of film-making. They’re on a par with anything Bergman or Kubrick did.”

In an exclusive interview Mr Tarantino explained his decision further:

TTT: So, why “Surf Nazis Must Die”?

QT: I love films about surfers, I love films about Nazis, so when the rights for this came up on eBay…

TTT: What about making a film where the Nazis are on the Moon?

QT: That sounds like a pretty stupid idea to me.

MS & KS

Lucas waves away critisism of "destroying cultural heritage". Photo: ydhsu

George Lucas, writer-director-producer of the enduring Star Wars franchise, announced today the release of new, remastered versions of the first three Star Wars films, “episodes IV through VI”. The release will take place in May and coincide both with the 40th anniversary of the first Star Wars film, now known as “Episode IV: A New Hope”, and Lucas’ own 75th birthday.

In an interview, Lucas admitted that recent technological developments have revealed glaring faults in his early works. “Back then, I was young, and not much of a character director. But now, I know better. To really take advantage of 4GHD technology, all the actors will be replaced by 3D models. This will also help unify the look of the early films with Clone Wars.” Clone Wars, the wildly successful animated spinoff of Star Wars, is currently in its ninth season, with at least two more promised. The fourth Clone Wars feature film, Escape from the Planet of the Lost Clones, has been announced for release later this year.

When asked how he thought Star Wars fans would react to this kind of retouching, Mr Lucas explained, “Star Wars isn’t about fan service. With these films, I wanted to really explore some of the themes that just weren’t possible in ’77. For example, we’re introducing Jar Jar Binks and his cute and wacky grandchildren into the so-called classic trilogy.”

Thanks to the Up-to-Date Entertainment Act of 2015, Lucasfilm have thus criminalised possession of the former versions of the Star Wars films, punishable by a fine of up to $100 per copy.

TRUTH

Shiksa Love is the heartfelt story of Howard Schmock, a professor of English literature, played by director Allen himself, who falls madly in love with his 19 year old student and niece. Trouble ensues as Schmock is visited by his 5 beautiful ex-wives, who are all still in love with him. After a test screening, audience members remarked the film was “not bad”, but many said they prefered Allen’s older “funny” movies. Mr Allen himself was not available for an interview, since he was already busy working on three new movies.

TRUTH