The American multinational IJ Markets, best known as the world’s leading manufacturer of high quality men’s leatherwear, has posted its third successive quarterly loss. Its chief executive Henry Jones Jr. has offered his resignation amidst talk of possible bankruptcy. A former professor of archaeology, Dr Jones had led the company since its foundation after...
Read more »
Following disastrous ticket sales and dwindling television audiences for the 2014 World Cup, FIFA has announced a raft of rule changes designed to maximise public interest in the upcoming 2018 tournament. “We know some of these suggestions may seem a little radical,” said a FIFA spokesperson “But really we have no choice. TV audiences...
Read more »
In its biggest shakeup for centuries, the North Pole toy factory has announced that from December 2019 it will be outsourcing its customer fulfilment services entirely to a select group of multinationals. The ten year sponsorship deal, brokered by London management consultancy firm TWTS, will mean that 100% of all Christmas gifts delivered by...
Read more »
Glade, the world’s leading manufacturer of air fresheners, today announced a major new range of products: Personal Plug-Ins(TM). “We’re very excited to be launching this exciting new product” said a spokesperson, “In the past we’ve had to deal with ambient scent issues after the unfortunate event has already happened. But with Personal Plug-Ins(TM) we...
Read more »
The PC manufacturing sector has entered its tenth consecutive quarter of decline as users are realising they don’t actually need a new computer. “It used to be so wonderful in the old days,” reminisces an anonymous sales rep “As soon as there was a new processor, or an updated operating system, or even just...
Read more »
The recent thousandfold rise in mysterious circles in corn fields has become the number one cause of farming losses in Europe, an EU report revealed today. The immediate cost of compensating farmers totals €18 billion, with more likely to be incurred through indirect costs later. “We’re totally baffled!” exclaimed Agriculture Commissioner Cyder Dranker “They’ve...
Read more »
George Lucas, once again pushing new boundaries in franchise-exploitation, has surprised the movie world by releasing Star Wars: Episode Zero. Produced entirely with CGI, and featuring computer-generated voices instead of the usual human actors, the film was rendered in secret based on a script penned by Lucas. “We felt there were too many loose...
Read more »
In an effort to counter the rising tide of digital piracy, the recording and film industries have introduced a new Digital Rights Management system called Neurally Unified Tomographic Severely Agonising Cerebral Scan (NUTSACS). Thanks to a pan-industry agreement, the system is due to become mandatory on most legal download services from 2019 onwards. “Really...
Read more »
The latest joint space mission by NASA and ESA has produced spectacularly unclear photographs of an obscure object somewhere in space. Speaking at a press event in Tahiti, the director of the Rorschach Project said “These are the most amazing indistinct images ever seen by human eyes. Their significance for all of mankind cannot...
Read more »
After the successful reintroduction of 3D to films in the early 2010s, the producers of the upcoming sixth Transformers film have announced it is to resurrect another B-movie era mainstay: scented films. The use of perfumes and smells in screenings goes back to the 1950s, and has regularly been reattempted since then. For example,...
Read more »
Opinions