The leaked Cassiopeia images reveal a swastika shape on the Moon.

Photographs leaked to the Internet last week taken by the Cassiopeia probe on the so-called dark side of the Moon have stirred up considerable controversy among both astronomers and conspiracy theorists. The photos reveal a structure in the Schroedinger crater near the southern lunar polar region; official sources have failed to provide an explanation for it. Scientists are baffled by the discovery, and numerous UFO and conspiracy researchers have interpreted it to prove the existence of extraterrestrial intelligence.

The photographs in question are indistinct, due in part to the orbital distance of the probe and interference from ionised moon dust hanging in clouds above the crater floor, but a regular shape can be discerned in them, located slightly to the side of a circular crater approximately 1.5 kilometres in diameter, itself situated inside a larger, irregular depression. This is not the first time that regular objects have been visible on pictures taken in space. Indeed, parallels have already been drawn to the infamous face and pyramids found in the Cydonia region of Mars. Astronomers disagree, however, whether the Lunar Swastika is an actual structure or an optical illusion.

Hindus, Aliens or Nazis?

The lunar discovery is especially intriguing thanks to its extraordinary shape. The anomaly is clearly shaped like the swastika, a symbol used, among others, by the National Socialists in the 1930’s and 1940’s, leading to numerous conclusions that the structure is attributable to Nazis who fled to the Moon after the Second World War. At the same time, in India where the swastika is still in use as the symbol of prosperity, happiness and good luck, hundreds of thousands of Hindus have embarked on pilgrimages all over the country. The internationally famous UFO researcher Martin Krauss disagrees. “It is a sign from Alfa Centaurians who brought life to Earth four million years ago,” he said, “which they left on the Moon to remind us of their visit.”

NASA: Weather Balloon

In an official NASA announcement, NASA spokesperson Roslyn Villacorta stated that the alleged observations were due to a signal disturbance resulting from a weather balloon aligned between the satellite Cassiopeia and the groundside receiver. “Weather balloons are known to mess with probe signals,” she said in a press conference held at the Houston space center yesterday. “It is a freak coincidence that the erroneous signal formed a swastika shape, known all over the world as a strongly controversial symbol.”

Nazis on the Moon Already in 1945?

The Romanian scientist Radovan Tomovici, who has studied conspiracy theories for decades, disagrees. “For over 70 years, it has been common knowledge that the Nazis had a research programme overseen by Hans Kammler during the war, with the goal of conquest and control of orbital space,” he says. “It seems that Kammler, who mysteriously vanished shortly before the end of the war, and his team were successful. We’re in trouble now,” Tomovici adds.

NEUTERS

Lucas waves away critisism of "destroying cultural heritage". Photo: ydhsu

George Lucas, writer-director-producer of the enduring Star Wars franchise, announced today the release of new, remastered versions of the first three Star Wars films, “episodes IV through VI”. The release will take place in May and coincide both with the 40th anniversary of the first Star Wars film, now known as “Episode IV: A New Hope”, and Lucas’ own 75th birthday.

In an interview, Lucas admitted that recent technological developments have revealed glaring faults in his early works. “Back then, I was young, and not much of a character director. But now, I know better. To really take advantage of 4GHD technology, all the actors will be replaced by 3D models. This will also help unify the look of the early films with Clone Wars.” Clone Wars, the wildly successful animated spinoff of Star Wars, is currently in its ninth season, with at least two more promised. The fourth Clone Wars feature film, Escape from the Planet of the Lost Clones, has been announced for release later this year.

When asked how he thought Star Wars fans would react to this kind of retouching, Mr Lucas explained, “Star Wars isn’t about fan service. With these films, I wanted to really explore some of the themes that just weren’t possible in ’77. For example, we’re introducing Jar Jar Binks and his cute and wacky grandchildren into the so-called classic trilogy.”

Thanks to the Up-to-Date Entertainment Act of 2015, Lucasfilm have thus criminalised possession of the former versions of the Star Wars films, punishable by a fine of up to $100 per copy.

TRUTH

There seems to be a fault with the Nike R-Bees, Nike’s rocket boot range. With micro rocket engines, and the fuel cells required to drive them, it has proved impossible to synchronise a pair of R-Bees.

This has led to leg injuries and even a few fatalities. Brokenose Johnson was one of the earliest victims. While attempting to kick a field goal, Johnson broke his nose and right cheekbone when his pair of R-Bees misfired. Johnson was considered very fortunate, as the R-Bees have been known to explode on impact. The State of Hawaii Institute for Trauma (S.H.I.T.) has an entire ward dedicated to those injured in the pursuit of sporting excellence.

One such player, who declined to give his name, is waiting on a new rat grown foot, American size 15, after his foot was disintegrated. The incident occurred during an on field argument about an alleged foul, when he literally put down his foot to drive home a point. His main disappointment is that the current colour selection in replacement limbs is limited to white.

Nike CEO Barry Astard commented today, “We at Nike are working closely with the RFL, and will endeavour to make sure that no more fatalities occur”. Continued Mr Astard, “I would also like to send my deepest sympathies to the family of Splits McFee, Nike will cover all costs with regards to the double coffin burial of Mr McFee”.

TRUTH

This change can be attributed to the Americans’ gold medal victory at the 2016 Chicago Olympics over Brazil, a close match with the United States winning 6-5. The nationalistic pride brought on by such an event spurred a nationwide rise in the popularity of soccer.

United States Soccer Federation President Sunil Gulati was quoted as saying, “This is a quantum leap for American soccer; we are finally gaining the respect we deserve. Baseball has nothing on our sport!”

Even though America took both Bronze and Silver at the 1904 St. Louis Olympics, there are many who consider those second-rate medals and completely unimportant as well as insulting to all parties involved; this later event, conversely, is considered by many as the Magnum Opus of American Soccer that will start a new age.

The United States will scrimmage against the German National Football Team, or Die Deutsche Fußballnationalmannschaft, on January 1, 2019 as a New Year’s celebration.

TRUTH

Shiksa Love is the heartfelt story of Howard Schmock, a professor of English literature, played by director Allen himself, who falls madly in love with his 19 year old student and niece. Trouble ensues as Schmock is visited by his 5 beautiful ex-wives, who are all still in love with him. After a test screening, audience members remarked the film was “not bad”, but many said they prefered Allen’s older “funny” movies. Mr Allen himself was not available for an interview, since he was already busy working on three new movies.

TRUTH

For years, the two economic blocks have fought a cold war style battle for world economic domination. Incidents such as the infamous “Green Land Incident” and the “Red Santa Incident” were all but everyday during the old days. The Green Land incident was when GTFO started provoking STFU by airdropping trillions of green international trade bills in several STFU members countries, covering vast areas of land. While the trade bills would have been a fortune in GTFO member countries, the residents of the areas in question were outraged because the paper used in the trade bills resembled their toilet paper. I can still remember them shouting things like “We want white toilet paper, not green!”. STFU of course retaliated with their own specialty – tangible goods. They airlifted those goods and dropped them in GTFO member countries, causing riots when people started fighting over the free commodities. Children fighting over cheap dolls and toys, men fighting over forged golf sticks, and women fighting over counterfeit fashion products. The chaos led to the tragedy now known as the Red Santa Incident.

But the past is the past, and we must go on. Just today, STFU chairman and GTFO director had an historical meeting. This marks the first time that both economic blocks agreed to meet each other’s representatives, albeit online. “We agreed to meet in an adult chatroom because this matter must be settled in a grown-up manner”, said a GTFO official.

However amidst the cheering and applause from many, a few radical groups staged demonstrations. They demanded segregation between STFU and GTFO. They believe that when STFU meets GTFO, it will spell disaster for the whole world. One of the demonstration participants remarked, “When STFU and GTFO meet, things turn ugly.” What will the future hold for us?

NEUTERS

In a couple of hours the cows were located, having landed outside the city to graze. When questioned, their leader indeed admitted they were heading to Paris for the fashion market. She referred to a story carried in a British tabloid stating that the models in Paris are total cows nowadays. Thus, they had decided to take their chances at forging a new career. They felt they would do well as fresh meat in the business.

Although the cows were obviously mad, the police decided to let them go. Brussels Chief of Police Jacques Mist comments: “It simply isn’t against the law or the public peace if some cows want to make their living as models in Paris. Although it sure does sound crazy. These cows were peaceful although silly, so we let them fly away.”

WTF

The five suspects, one male, one female and three minors, while attempting to gain entry through a Customs checkpoint, attracted the attention of TSA officials, who ordered the immigrants to step out of the line. When they refused to cooperate, the officials opened fire and killed all five.

“They was obviously foreign and awful suspicious looking,” the transportation security officer in charge, Bubba Hogg, described the suspects. He remained skeptical of the opinion that the immigrants may have been confused by not being able to understand what the officials were saying. “Them that don’t speak American ain’t got no business coming to America,” Mr Hogg said.

This is the largest incident of its kind in terms of lives lost since the TSA gained “shoot on sight” rights in 2014.

NEUTERS