In its biggest shakeup for centuries, the North Pole toy factory has announced that from December 2019 it will be outsourcing its customer fulfilment services entirely to a select group of multinationals. The ten year sponsorship deal, brokered by London management consultancy firm TWTS, will mean that 100% of all Christmas gifts delivered by...
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Glade, the world’s leading manufacturer of air fresheners, today announced a major new range of products: Personal Plug-Ins(TM). “We’re very excited to be launching this exciting new product” said a spokesperson, “In the past we’ve had to deal with ambient scent issues after the unfortunate event has already happened. But with Personal Plug-Ins(TM) we...
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The PC manufacturing sector has entered its tenth consecutive quarter of decline as users are realising they don’t actually need a new computer. “It used to be so wonderful in the old days,” reminisces an anonymous sales rep “As soon as there was a new processor, or an updated operating system, or even just...
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The recent thousandfold rise in mysterious circles in corn fields has become the number one cause of farming losses in Europe, an EU report revealed today. The immediate cost of compensating farmers totals €18 billion, with more likely to be incurred through indirect costs later. “We’re totally baffled!” exclaimed Agriculture Commissioner Cyder Dranker “They’ve...
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George Lucas, once again pushing new boundaries in franchise-exploitation, has surprised the movie world by releasing Star Wars: Episode Zero. Produced entirely with CGI, and featuring computer-generated voices instead of the usual human actors, the film was rendered in secret based on a script penned by Lucas. “We felt there were too many loose...
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In an effort to counter the rising tide of digital piracy, the recording and film industries have introduced a new Digital Rights Management system called Neurally Unified Tomographic Severely Agonising Cerebral Scan (NUTSACS). Thanks to a pan-industry agreement, the system is due to become mandatory on most legal download services from 2019 onwards. “Really...
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